The Life I Was And Is In

Till I met a girl.
Mumbling to herself…
‘Do you like this world?
I really, really like this world…
But nothing can stay unchanged.’
She must’ve been talking to her other self.
Words aren’t directed at me.
She must’ve been talking to someone in her heart…
‘Fun things… Happy things…
They can’t simply be stayed unchanged.
Even so, will you still continue to like this place?’
‘Just find them.’
I reply with a little bit of anger.
‘Just find new fun and happy things.’
‘…’
She just stared at me.
And we started climbing…
The long… long… uphill climb…

That reminded of myself being young and all…
Me and her together till she went away to a faraway distanced place.
Which I can’t reach for her nor can she reach for me.
Or rather maybe she could’ve reached out to me just that I didn’t grab onto her hands or act to notice it.

Back then after her departure…
I remember how I hated this world.
The very streets of the pleasant place along the roads of the city.
I hated all.
I hated my family, neglected and felt rejected.
I just went on my life as it does.
Just the everyday life, the same plain life without meanings to live, nor meanings to die.
Just thinking of yourself living in an emptied world without joy, happiness and sadness.
Only in a world where you got so angry at that make it all happen.
I hate this world.
It’s full memories that I want to forget about.
Go to school everyday, chat with friends.
And go back to the home where I don’t even want to go back to.
Will something change eventually, doing this?
Will that day come?

Till my days in secondary school, I’ve lived a life full of sadness hidden behind smiling, angry faces.
I’ve been lying to myself all my life.
All my life I’ve been escaping the fact that I’ve forgotten her.
All my times wasted on spending all my thoughts on worthless deeds.

I’ve experienced fun, happy times.
Sad times at most, disappointing times at most likewise.
Through conflicts I find friendship, through argument I’ve found faithfulness.
Through sadness I find kinship, through anger I’ve found betrayal.
Through many sad things I’ve found I’ve started wondering to myself;
When Will My Dream End? And How Long Will People Remember Me As Who I Was?

I entered College after many thoughts came by.
Stressed face everyday.
Not to be know as my expression shows naught of that.
All I ever thought is that college is the end of my life time.
End of the road.
Time to be free and think for myself, my future, my life.

As my life past, I’ve found enemies through friends, and friends through enemies.
Never one would betray you till you’ve found faithfulness in them to you.
Never one would fight for nothing but for wrong doings.
Never one, would, steal for not a good reason said.
Never one that I’ve scolded is for a fun pass time, a fun made wrong.

As for today.
I prayed for myself.
Never stand up for others, for those who never stood up for themselves.

http://profile.imeem.com/OQ_Sc7/music/Mz7rFcW9/eufonius_megumeru_cuckool_mix_2007/

I was having a transparent dream
It was a tender eternity
The faint, wind-like voice
Is calling me from the high sky

If I take off while like this
I can go anywhere

Surely, I’ll unreservedly tell you
The words, thoughts, everything
That swayed in the light

I embrace an uncertain feeling
I feel uneasy no matter what
I still don’t know now
But someday, the moment when I’ll reflect in your eyes will come

The world continues on
While I’m gazing at you

If we can see a little future
Within our joined hands
Then c’mon, let’s release our memories
Because there’s a time that connects to
The tip of my straightforward heart

Even on the day of a cold morning
I’ll move forward unhesitatingly
While I turn pain and sorrow
Into my allies

If the atmosphere that illuminates you
Hasn’t disappeared yet
Then wait for me
And quietly look down

If we can see a little future
Within our joined hands
Then the words, thoughts, everything
That swayed in the light-

Surely, I’ll unreservedly tell them
To the distant you

sukitooru yume wo miteita
yawarakai eien
kaze no youna kasuka na koega
takai sora kara
boku wo yonnde iru

kono mama tobi tateba
doko ni datte yukeru

hikari no naka yurameita
kotobamo omoimo zenbu
nokosazu tsutaete kitto

hutashikana kimochi wo idaku
doushitemo huande
imawa mada shiranai keredo
itsuka sonomeni
utsuru toki gakuru

sekai wa tsuzuiteru
kimi wo mezashi nagara

kasaneta teto te no nakani
chiisana mirai ga mietara
kiokuwo sa tokihanatou
massugu na kokoro no sakini
tsunagaru jikan ga arukara

tsumetai asa no himo
mayowazuni susunde yukuyo
itamimo kanashimi mo
mikatani kaenagara
kimi wo terashiteiru
taikiga mada kienai no nara
boku wo matteite
shizukani mioroshite

kasaneta teto te no nakani
chiisana mirai ga mietara
hikari no naka yurameita
kotobamo omoimo zenbu
harukana kimi made
nokosazu tsutaete kitto

Reminds me those days back then when I was still a child, a 16-18 year old boy who thinks about going through day by day, only to get through them without thinking about tomorrow, and things just being the same everyday.
Everytime.
Down the same place.
On the same bus.
On the same train.
In the same class, the same gate.
And seeing the same teacher and friends everyday.

Things just got to be the same, just like clones of yesterday and mirrors of tomorrow.
The present is just nothing in between but just a disillusion in the word. Not in reality.

Everyday lived by as if a dream, and went on like an illusion.
Nothing was changing.
Nothing went the wrong way.
Everyday is just a day that just came and went by, just like the sands in the shores swept by the salty waters of the ocean, drifted away to a further land only to return back within days.

Those days are fabulous, just a long dream without an end point.
Those days in High School, were nothing more than something that I’ve got for granted.
I lived a life without relationships.
Without respect.
Without gratitude.
Without life.
That’s me in the past.

That’s how I was.
I hurt people without thinking.
Starts arguments without thinking.
And fought for nothing.
Those were the days.

The Days I Looked Into The Skies.
Praying That For Once, I Could Reach That High.
Back Into Those Skies You Have Once Flown.

Songs Of The Bird.

I Work My Hands As I Did With My Blades.
My Blades Are My Hands, My Hands As My Blade.
For Years I Fought Without Noticing.
Things I Yearned, Still Regretting.
I’ve Grown Into A Adnormal World.
Unknown To Truth,
Nor Known To Child.
Have Withstood Pain To Make People,
Understood My Philosophy.
Yet, All Were For Naught.
As I Pray…
Sacrifice In Holding.

They said that people reincarnate.
They said that they won’t remember the past as they seal them.
They said they would appear differently.
They said they would look the same somehow.

But in the end, they won’t ever meet their fated ones from the dawn of age until a few millennia later.
Or maybe they never meet again.
Perhaps they’ll appear in a different ’shell’, or maybe just exist for a while before they left for their next life in a few.

I’ve lost her.
I prayed for her re-arrival.

I prayed to see her again.
Something that deems impossible for a mortal like myself to make it happen.
She might be one with the skies now.
For I’m now one with the seas.
Never will I know when Neptune will make me turn into one of his sons, nor will I know when Zeus will stuck me down as a fallen.
For Caelus is always the One I always look at whenever I think about her, Aurora & Hespera is always the only ones to greet me with a bright and darken look.

Shall I or shall I not, lay my life upon death and bury my corpse.
Or shall I live and always sought, the life that I yearn and somethings I’ve thought.
To make myself make up a life of lies, and a life full of lies that I incite.
The skies, ever darkened, welcomes me.
I see death, yes, upon I see.

He holds a scythe, brought with blood.
Eyes ever hollow, a shallow laugh.
Skulls his head was, bones his body.
He wears a black robe, and looks directly at me.
From then on, I fear the skies.
Afraid of height, afraid to die.
From then on my wings has broke.
From then on, I stopped to flown.

Many years passed, many days gone.
I wanted to go back to where I belong.
The skies ever so deep, ever extending.
The unlimited ‘atmosphere’ surrounding all around me.
They’re calling, yes, they yelled out loud.
As loud as their echoes sound.
I hear the winds cry out for me.
I ran, and ran, towards the sea.
The place where we last used to be.

• Weapon: "My ultimate weapon is the China cannon attached to my groin." (Referring to the Senkousha)
• Compose: "The characters should be composed of childhood friends, girls with glasses, robotic maids and sisters."
• Execute: "You executed the mission. Then all I have to do is execute you."
• Income: "He had no income, so he stopped his hunger by
  eating mushrooms which were growing on his underpants in the closet."
  (Referring to Otoko Oidon by Leiji Matsumoto)
• Scare: "The angel who lives on his house scared him because she beat him to death without notice." (Referring to Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokuro-chan)
• Punish: "Every time the hero wins, the trio is punished by the pig like creature." (Referring to Pokémon (anime))
• Replace: "When I fell down the stairs with my classmate, my body was replaced with her." (Referring to Akane-chan Overdrive)
• Decide: "Let’s decide the supremacy over the earth by the blows of robots."(Referring to G Gundam)
• Embarrass: "The wrong use of the magic equipment often embarrasses the girl in the bathroom when she is taking a bath." (Referring to Doraemon)
• Bet: "When I fell in love with the her, I thought that the
  girl was my stepsister. I bet if I had known she was my real sister, I
  would not have fallen in love with her."

I LOL’D. WHAHHAHA

Somewhat another day went by without a doubt with the previous few days going by like nothing but dashing gust.
Called her many times and made her pissed which I just realized after reading her blog.
Sad me.
I broke down only to be cooled down and chilled by one of my old BMT cabin mate Jeremy Soh.
Man that was the hardest night ever.
And to find out my 1st song IC and good friend to be her friend is kind of a old story, since I knew that long ago, acting blur all the while.
And she too acting like it.
But I didn’t care anyway.
Because I like her that’s why I can’t be ‘honest’ in many sense.

Just a few messages and she got pissed off at me.
Kind of a heart break to me.
I was down.
And I do need someone to talk to.
I see it’s my wrong.
But still something like that said is kind of a huge, huge, huge sadness in my mind.
I can’t think much.
Since I’ve gotten a defaulter parade on Saturday 1430hr and weekends on Duty watch. Fucked up.

I’ve got so many thoughts on my mind.
Happy to see her cute little message saying she’ll spend time with me after her exams.
Now it’s a cold period.
Most probably girls aren’t as good as they used to be.
Yeah, it’s an emo blog.
But it’s somewhat my personal space so mind you.
I only write out what I have in mind at that timeslot and at that period of thinking and emotions I’m having.

I want to try to call her again and again, but hung up only a few seconds after, just to be afraid of being ignored by her more.
I can’t understand what I’m doing anymore.

Anyways, I’ll see to my own feelings after today.
Later.

(This blog is written based on personal modification)

If you’re a girl, I don’t mind.
If you’re calling to teach me, I don’t mind.

 JUST FUCKING DON’T KEEP SMS-ING ME AND CALLING ME THINGS LIKE ‘You sleep so early?’ You know I’m talking about you. How many times must I tell you I’m having exams and I don’t have time to entertain you!

You pissed me off real badly last time when you called EVERYDAY and recently you pissed me off cause you refused to hang up the phone when I said I wanted to study.
YESTERDAY you pissed me off with the repeated missed calls and sms-es.
I can be tolerant but there’s a limit to everything. I’m not obliged to fix my schedule to your wants alright?

When she says fuck, it means all over.

http://profile.imeem.com/OQ_Sc7/music/gktqQ5jr/tori_no_shi/Air: Tori no Uta (Song of the Bird)

Opening Song

Artist: Lia

kieru hikoukigumo bokutachi wa miokuttamabushikute nigeta itsudatte yowakuteano hi kara kawarazuitsumademo kawarazu ni irarenakatta kotokuyashikute yubi wo hanasu    We watched the fading vapor trails    They were so dazzling, I ran away- I was always weak    I let go, frustrated by the fact    That I couldn't stay unchanged since that day    Couldn't stay unchanged forever

ano tori wa mada umaku tobenai kedoitsuka wa kaze wo kitte shirutodokanai basho ga mada tooku ni arunegai dake himete mitsumeteru    That bird still can't fly well    But someday she will know the feeling of cutting through the wind    The place she can't reach is still there in the distance    She gazes at it, keeping her wish to herself

kodomotachi wa natsu no senro arukufuku kaze ni suashi wo sarashitetooku ni wa osanakatta hibi woryoute ni wa tobidatsu kibou wo    Children walk along the summer railway tracks    Exposing their bare feet to the blowing wind    We place in the distance the days of our childhood    We place in our hands hope that springs forth

kieru hikoukigumo oikakete oikaketekono oka wo koeta ano hi kara kawarazu itsumademomassugu ni bokutachi wa aru youniwatatsumi no youna tsuyosa wo mamoreru yo kitto    Chasing, chasing the fading vapor trails    It hasn't changed since the day we crossed that hill, and never will    So that we will always have it,    We'll guard the strength of a sea god, surely

ano sora wo mawaru fuusha no hanetachi waitsumademo onaji yume mirutodokanai basho wo zutto mitsumeterunegai wo himeta tori no yume wo    The blades of the windmill that turn in the sky    Always have the same dream    The dream of a bird, her wish kept to herself,    Gazing at the place she can't reach

furikaeru yaketa senro oounyuudougumo katachi wo kaetemobokura wa oboete ite doukakisetsu ga nokoshita kinou wo     I look back: the sun-baked railway tracks are hidden    By stormclouds- even if they change their shape,    May we always remember    The yesterdays left behind by the seasons...

kieru hikoukigumo oikakete oikaketehayasugiru aizu futari waraidashiteru itsumademomassugu ni manazashi wa aru youniase ga nijindemo te wo hanasanai yo zutto    Chasing, chasing the fading vapor trails    The signal is given too early- we start laughing    So that we can always look straight ahead,    Even if it's slippery with sweat, I won't let go of your hand, ever

kieru hikoukigumo bokutachi wa miokuttamabushikute nigeta itsudatte yowakuteano hi kara kawarazuitsumademo kawarazu ni irarenakatta kotokuyashikute yubi wo hanasu     We watched the fading vapor trails    They were so dazzling, I ran away- I was always weak    I let go, frustrated by the fact    That I couldn't stay unchanged since that day    Couldn't stay unchanged forever

消える飛行機雲　僕たちは見送った眩しくて逃げた　いつだって弱くてあの日から変わらずいつまでも変わらずにいられなかったこと悔しくて指を離す

あの鳥はまだうまく飛べないけどいつかは風を切って知る届かない場所がまだ遠くにある願いだけ秘めて見つめてる

子供たちは夏の線路　歩く吹く風に素足をさらして遠くには幼かった日々を両手には飛び立つ希望を

消える飛行機雲　追いかけて追いかけてこの丘を越えたあの日から変わらずいつまでも真っ直ぐに僕たちはあるように海神のような強さを守れるよ　きっと

あの空を回る風車の羽根たちはいつまでも同じ夢見る届かない場所をずっと見つめてる願いを秘めた鳥の夢を

振り返る灼けた線路　覆う入道雲　形を変えても僕らは覚えていて　どうか季節が残した昨日を

消える飛行機雲　追いかけて追いかけて早すぎる合図　ふたり笑い出してるいつまでも真っ直ぐに眼差しはあるように汗が滲んでも手を離さないよ　ずっと

消える飛行機雲　僕たちは見送った眩しくて逃げた　いつだって弱くてあの日から変わらずいつまでも変わらずにいられなかったこと悔しくて指を離す

Ok, I’m now kinda toughened up pretty much good and better now.
But due to the bad environment at home I tend to get flu/cold/sick at home more than at camp.
Ok it’s quite good going through BMT and all good to go and very well done.
=D
I love BMT now, for some reason.
JRC tends to suck due to:
Indiscipline.
Un-cooperative.
Anti-teamwork.
etc.
And tends to play ‘division’ or ‘class’, that’s why I don’t see it any better than the things we had in BMT.
We used to get things going fast, swift and good.
Now?
Piece of shit on a piece of butter.
And all the entertainment I can’t have in BMT is now already in my hands.
The only entertainment is talking on the phone with her.
Oh well.
Now?
PSP.
DS Lite.
Comics.
MP3s.

And what’s more is the good thing about JRC is we can run at night alone =D
Self-training.
And got Silver all the way for all the IPPTs.
Sucks.
I wanna aim for gold.

And after all this while, I quite regret I joined as a regular.
Why?
I miss home.
I miss being the lazy me.
I miss being with my friends.
I miss alot alot of things.

But life without money can’t go on properly?
Why I said that?
It’s the truth.
Bill comes in like water gushing in.
Food takes most of the money away.
Daily spendings are like ants to the dust.

I spent over 5k this time around, throughout my army life.
As a navymen.
But.
One thing I enjoyed the most:
Being together, fight together, sweat, cry and bleed together with my buddies in camp.

And one thing I’m very pissed about my Current IC;
He likes to play division, and he took away my way of thinking, namely ‘Everyone is buddies to each other here.’ Yeah right, and you treated the cohort like nothing else but bullshit and enemies.

Oh eh…
I wish that time will slow down more and more…
I miss home alot already.
And I’m not even Cat 1 swimmer yet.

Shit.

I think I need some rest.
But after all these times, I’ve got a lot to talk about.
In my journal, you can read.
In my mind, you can’t see.
In my mouth, you’ll see blood flowing out like fuck.

Later.

To remake the story once I had.
It’s only half complete…
All i need is that feeling again…
To finally…

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Pony tailed girls turns me on.